


It's just as well (or maybe it can be)

by SinkorSwim



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Drabble, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Poetic, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, and im sorry?, and written late, angst with happy ending, but this is kinda sucky, happy ending no need to worry, sad!zayn, trigger warning, well an attempt at a drabble, wow this is my first fic?, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-18
Updated: 2013-02-18
Packaged: 2017-11-29 17:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/689320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinkorSwim/pseuds/SinkorSwim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>zayn doesn’t believe in love at first sight. </p><p>(at least that’s what he tells himself) </p><p>or the one where zayn is sad and he meets liam in his psych class.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's just as well (or maybe it can be)

**Author's Note:**

> Heads up! this is literally my first fic ever written ever and its just poetry and confusing . so sorry? I guess anways.
> 
> cross posted with different names (because shh i made it not a fanfic for one website omg) at figment.com

if the only price to being alone was loneliness, well that was something zayn malik could handle 

 

(at least thats what he told himself)  
___

 

when zayn Malik is 18 he spends 6 months in the hospital.

 

he isn’t allowed visitors.

 

Its for the best.

 

(at least thats what he tells himself.)  
___

 

when zayn is 19 he applies to uni in london. 

 

he gets in. 

 

no more stares or shouts or pitying looks.

 

no more bradford. ever.

 

the 200 mile distance between school and home is far enough.

 

(at least thats what he tells himself.)  
___

 

when zayn gets to london the first thing he does, after settling into his dorm, is go looking for the 

 

closest tesco. 

 

when he finds it he goes in and walks up and down every aisle

 

when he finds it he does not look at the razor blades that sit next to the shampoo bottles.

 

he doesn’t do that anymore.

 

(at least thats what he tells himself)  
___

 

He meets liam payne in his psych class. 

 

zayn had decided that he wanted to be a social worker. 

 

liam is all pinched eyes and rich smiles.

 

he is all chocolate brown eyes and short hair and low giggles.

 

zayn doesn’t believe in love at first sight. 

 

(at least that’s what he tells himself)  
___

 

when zayn has been in uni for 3 months he relapses.

 

it happens shortly after a certain brown-eyed-short-haired boy asked for his number in psych.

 

and zayn looks at liams puppy dog face and wants to kiss each of his cheekbones and maybe 

 

his mouth too, if liam let him.

 

and then zayn told him to fuck off. 

 

and turned around to focus on the teacher

 

and hit himself in his mind because

 

 _why the fuck did you do that you idiot ___and _you're such a fucking faggot. ___

__

__the thoughts fill his brain and leak out as beads of sweat on his forehead_ _

__

__and-_ _

__

__well zayn runs. he stands in the middle of his teachers lecture on childhood trauma and runs_ _

__

__straight to tescos._ _

__

__just this one time he thinks i just need to stop thinking_ _

__

__and _fag fag fag fag fag fag_ is still filling his brain until_ _

___ _

____ah. ____ _ _

____ _ _

____a release. and red drips down his arm and, well, everything is perfect again._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____he can’t remember why he ever stopped in the first place._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____because this._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____this moment with blood rolling down his sandstone skin_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____and that ecstasy filling his veins?_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____this is _paradise _____ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____(at least thats what he tells himself.)_ _ _ _ _

_________ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____zayn skips uni classes for a week._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____when he comes back liam won’t look at him_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____and zayn can’t hear his giggle because he is sat across the room from him._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____and zayn thinks thats it’s just as well._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____he can handle being alone_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____he can._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____(at least thats what he tells himself)  
____ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____zayn lasts two weeks._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____two weeks before he find out what dorm number liam god damn payne lives at._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____he knocks twice._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____a boy with green, wait no maybe hazel, eyes and wild hair opens the door._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____zayn asks if he has the wrong dorm._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____the boy, harry, smiles and shakes his head telling zayn that liam won’t be home for a while._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____zayn thinks about luck then_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____because why the fuck could liam have not just been there when zayn was feeling brave?_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____harry asks for his name_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____but zayn just walks away._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____he’ll be brave another day_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____(at least thats what he tells himself)  
____ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____zayn accumulates ruby red lines that cut through his topaz skin_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____they fade to a rosy pink color, the color of blushing cheeks._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____its just as well._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____liam is most definitely not staring at him._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____he isn’t._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____(at least thats what zayn tells himself)  
_____ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____and then one day._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____a whispered_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____“zayn”_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____and zayn turns and there is liam_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____right next to him and smiling_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____with those crinkly eyes and_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____zayn thinks that maybe today he can be brave_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____he can._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____(he doesn’t have to tell himself this because he knows it’s true)  
____ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____Zayn Malik is 21_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____he has faded white lines criss-crossing his_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____arms and legs and stomach._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____but he also has a love-bite on his neck_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____and warm arms to curl into when he wakes up and_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____he doesn’t feel lonely._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____he really honestly doesn’t and hasn’t for a long time_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____and maybe_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____maybe it was love at first sight._ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____and maybe zayn doesn’t need to tell himself anything anymore_ _ _ _ _

_____ _ _ _

_____(because liam can do that for him)_ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i know what the fuck did you just read, honestly.
> 
> dontforgetfrogandtoad.tumblr.com


End file.
